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The Buzz On Wellness - Articles Surfing

This is the start of a new column *The Buzz on Wellness*. Well, you may be asking, what is *wellness* anyway? I see it as mental/spiritual/physical health, feeling good, being happy and content, feeling calm and relaxed and enjoying life no matter what comes your way. This column will focus on how to stay *well* (addressing topics like love, romance, happiness, self-esteem, contentment) as well as challenges we face in maintaining our wellness (loneliness, depression, anxiety, shyness, internalized homophobia). Feel free to Email me at lifebeyondtherapy.com with topics you*d like addressed in this column in future issues of BUZZ. And now, to this issue's topic*

At this time of the year, in my private practice, a lot of clients come to me and complain about disappointment. It's not surprising: at the beginning of January, people have high expectations *Hey, it's a new year, I*m gonna change my life*. But, by the middle of January - right about now - they feel bummed out and majorly disappointed. I hear clients say: *I thought it was gonna be so great, but it's the same old shit as last year.* Most of us can only sustain New Year's Resolutions for about three days max. After that, we fall back into the same old patterns. What's the big surprise? We*ve had years to develop these patterns, we expect in three days we can undo the cumulative damage of decades?

New Year's Resolutions rarely work; nothing *magically* changes just because it's a new year. If we want things to change, we need to take action and create the change by behaving and thinking differently. This is hard work! As we head into the end of January, let's revisit your New Year's resolutions and see what obstacles are in your way. Here are four that may be familiar:

You aren't willing to do the work

If you just wait for happiness (more money, a new lover, a better job) to come to you, what do you think will happen? Likely, nothing! New results require new thoughts, actions, speech, and intentions. Before giving up on your resolutions (tempting, isn't it?) instead look past the obvious and dig deeper. For example: if you want a boyfriend, what for? If it's to stop feeling lonely, then a boyfriend may not fix your problem. Your loneliness is the real problem. If you think you need a new job, what for? Do you want to leave your current job because you find some of the people difficult? Guess what? There are usually difficult people at every job. Rather than running away, set your intention to learn how to deal with difficult people. See what I mean about digging deeper? A recent client told me he wanted to look like Daniel Craig (aka the new James Bond). I asked him why. He said, *Because then I'll feel sexy and confident.* I suggested we work on how he can feel that way WITHOUT looking like Agent 007. I helped him identify and remove what blocked him from feeling sexy, confident, strong and handsome.

You*re too impatient

How many of us feel impatient about change and don't want to wait forever to become happier? (In all honesty, I*d raise my hand to this too). After all, we deserve to be happy, don't we? Look at how long we*re suffered already. This kind of logic may work for a TV commercial (*because you*re worth it*) but it doesn't work in real life. If you*ve spent 25, 35 or 45 years feeling you*re not worthy of a good job/man/house/whatever, do you really expect that a *new* year is going to change that? When my clients want to take on big psychological *makeovers*, I encourage them to take it slowly. We can't sustain major change when we try to do it dramatically and quickly. I know it isn't as exciting * it wouldn't make good TV * but lasting change in our lives comes gradually, step-by-step.

You expect too much

When I have a new client who says, *I have so many problems, I don't know where to start*, I encourage him or her to make a list of all the things that bother them and to rate these problems (on a scale of 1 to 10) by how much pain each one brings them. For example, *I hate my job* is a 7, *I feel so lonely* is a 9, *I don't like my body* is a 3. We start to work on the most painful stuff first and we focus on one problem at a time, breaking it down into small, do-able action steps. For example, saying *I hate my job* over-and-over is only going to bring you misery. Instead, ask yourself questions like: *What about my job bothers me the most? What do I like about it?* Any seemingly unsolvable problem can be broken down into a series of *smaller*, more easily solved problems.

You*re too hard on yourself

It's not too late to make a resolution for 2007. Try this one: be kinder to yourself this year. This may sound counter-intuitive if you want to change, but it isn*t. Most of us have beaten ourselves up mentally for years; has this gotten us where we want to be? That's not the way to do it. As we progress into this New Year, make a list of 10 ways that you can be kinder to yourself in 2007 and start to do some of them. I guarantee you that by being kinder to yourself, any changes you want to make in your life will happen more quickly and painlessly.

Submitted by:

Michael Kimmel, LCSW

Michael Kimmel,LCSW, is an openly-gay psychotherapist with a private practice in San Diego, CA. Michael writes the "Wellness" column for San Diego's BUZZ magazine Contact Michael at GayFriendlyTherapists.com



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